SHAKE n BAKE
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Austin Roller Moms
Profile : 34 years old, stay-at-home mother of 2 (5
year old and 4 year old).  Growing up, I was a
well-behaved, straight-laced girl.  Now I'm making
up for lost time and kicking serious butt on the
derby track.  So watch your ribs, Divas, 'cause I feel
no pain when I'm on the track!
Likes : When Divas rather rail themselves than
come past me on the outside of the track.
Dislikes : Snobs, bigots, my husband travelling on
business.
Injuries Sustained : Some substantial bruising...
including a nice honeycomb print from my fishnets
being imbedded into my skin!
What you wouldn't guess about me : I was a
computer engineering major and somewhat of a
closet geek.
Favorite derby move : Blocking and giving a whip
at the same time.  And of course, stopping those
dirty Divas from getting through the pack.
Want to know more about Shake n Bake?  Read
her sister's unauthorized story below:

Shake and Bake’s history with poultry is long and sordid.  
Growing up on her family farm, she was afraid of their many
chickens.  She was not alone.  Indeed, their walls at home were
covered with blue ribbons won by the chickens in the “Most Evil
Poultry” contests at state fairs.  Cornering her near the barn,
they would quack menacingly, saliva dripping from their razor-
sharp beaks and pure evil emanating from their beady eyes.  
After such encounters, her only comfort was the delicious
crispiness of the fried chicken cooked by her mother, who herself
had lost a thigh to the malicious chickens.

Despite her love for her mother, Shake and Bake soon became
desperate to leave the farm.  When she was only seventeen, a
stray breeze blew a discarded paper in her path.  At first, what
she saw on the paper appeared only to be chicken scratchings.  
But then she looked closer.  There was a map of her house and a
diagram of how best to remove her “white” meat.  At that
moment, she knew: the chickens were plotting to kill her.  She
packed her bags and hitched a ride with the next truck out of
town.  The driver instantly proclaimed his love for her and
promised to save her from her feathered foes.  Shake and Bake
married him, though she couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease
about her new husband, especially whenever he called her by his
favorite pet name, Dumpling, or admired her “plump, juicy”
breasts.

As it turns out, she was right.  Turk E. Giblet was not all he
seemed to be.  What exactly happened in the privacy of their
marriage is unclear to this day.  They had two beautiful
daughters, but appeared to argue frequently.  It is rumored that
he had an affair with a woman named Henny.  To this day, no one
knows.  What is a matter of public record, however, is the
manner of his death.  Neighbors had thought that the family was
out of town, possibly on a trip to Buffalo Wing, New York.  They
became suspicious, however, when a heavenly aroma began to
waft toward them in the wind.  They broke into the Giblet house.  
Shake and Bake and the girls were nowhere to be found.  But in
the kitchen, the neighbors found Turk.  According to the best
guess of his coroner, he was beaten to death with a game hen.  
But that wasn’t all: he was then trussed, stuffed with savory
breading, liberally basted with butter, and coated with flour and
spices.  He was found in the oven with a carefully written recipe
pinned to his crispy, fragrant skin:

“Take one 180-pound no-good, low-down, chicken-loving
husband, and beat until tender.  Stuff with favorite breading, coat
with Shake and Bake, and cook until he has reached desired
degree of deadness.  Bon appetit!”

It appears that her husband’s death awoke in Shake and Bake a
taste for killing.  Soon thereafter, there was a string of murders
throughout the nation near Kentucky Fried Chicken locations.  
Police began to suspect Shake and Bake when they detected
unusual levels of deliciousness in each of the victims.  (See police
reports below.)

On the run, the only way that Shake and Bake feels that she can
outrace her beaked demons is on her skates.  For now, she is
lying low in Austin, but keeps a vigilant eye on her feathered
enemies.  And as her roller derby opponents have learned, if
Shake and Bake calls you a “chicken,” you had best skate for
your life…or face a delectable death.